I picked up Tiny Doggie and walked up to four or five different apartments and houses and rang doorbells. No answer at any of them. I said "Tiny Doggie, what should I do with you? I have to go to work and meet with a big important client in half an hour!" Tiny Doggie wagged his tail. I put him down and said "Tiny Doggie, lead me to your home!" Tiny Doggie wagged his tail harder, and then took off trotting east down Alder, glancing over his tiny shoulder to see if I was following him. He kept trotting and glancing back, and I kept following. We got to 22nd. Tiny Doggie took a right, and started sniffing around a day care center. I said "Tiny Doggie, is this where you live?" He wagged his tail and sniffed. I picked him up and rang the doorbell. A large black woman answered. I said "Is this your dog?" She said "No, we're a day care center! But he does look familiar ... he might belong to the folks down the street. They have one big dog and one small dog that kind of looks like this one. Try them, they're the house on the corner with the big brown fence." She took another look and said "He does get around! I saw him earlier this morning in front of the Boys and Girls Club!" I said "That's near where I found him!" I thanked her, and Tiny Doggie and I made our way to the house on the corner with the big brown fence.
I opened the gate and walked up to the front door. There was a sign on the door saying "In Session. Please come in and have a seat." So I opened the door and took Tiny Doggie inside. There was a closed door off the hallway with a sign that said "In Session". Tiny Doggie sniffed at a dog bed that was in the corner. I whispered "Tiny Doggie, is this your home?" He wagged his tail and sniffed. I looked around some more, and saw a wood burning stove with a framed photograph on it. I took a closer look and it was a picture of ... a tiny doggie! It looked very much like my Tiny Doggie, but I couldn't tell for sure. I needed to get to work. I took a piece of paper and a pen out of my backpack and wrote a note explaining my story, saying I really hoped this was Tiny Doggie's home. I left my name and my phone number. Then I petted Tiny Doggie and left.
Halfway down the block I saw one of my yoga students across the street walking three doggies, one large and two teensy. I crossed the street and said "Hey Ajax, are you missing a tiny doggie?" He said "No! In fact, I just rescued one! This little guy was wandering around on his own!" I said "That's so strange, I just found a tiny doggie too!" and told him my story. When I got to the part about the day care lady telling me to take Tiny Doggie to the house on the corner with the big brown fence, he started laughing really hard. I said "What's so funny?" He said "That's MY house!" I said, "Well, I left Tiny Doggie there for you!" He laughed even harder and said he'd take care of him and try to find his owner. I said goodbye and continued on my way to work. I'm glad I didn't ride my bike this morning.
- Location:work
- Mood:
amused
Dad had given me an hour. After that, he was going to come back and kill me. I wasn't sure why he didn't just kill me then -- it was kind of like one of those bad movies where the villain talks on and on and on about how he's going to kill the hero, giving the hero enough time to wiggle his hands out of the ropes and smack the villain down. Anyway. He was coming back in an hour. I weighed my options. I could try running away, but I was afraid he'd catch up to me eventually and I didn't want to be on the run all my life. I decided I better kill him first.
The straightforward plan would be to lie in wait for him and shoot him as he was approaching, but for some reason it seemed necessary to do something more elaborate. We had a few booby traps left over that were still in place. There was one at the bottom of the hill that looked like a small chunk of chicken. If you picked it up, your hand would get impaled with a hook and the attached wire would yank you up into the air, suspending you by your impaled hand over a tree branch. I had to figure out how to get Dad to pick it up.
While I was devising my plan, I noticed three mountain lions nearby, fighting with each other. One of them approached me and started swiping at me. I wasn't sure how to defend myself. I started wrestling with it, doing my best to avoid getting bitten or clawed to death. We were moving closer and closer to my friends, putting them in danger as well. One of them said "throw it back towards the other mountain lions!" I managed to toss it in the general direction of the other two, and it picked itself up and started fighting with them instead.
The hour wasn't up yet, so I decided I might as well cook a goat. It had been slaughtered, but no one had bothered to use the meat. So I started hacking off pieces and preparing it for grilling. I got most of it picked away from the bones. Then I saw one big hunk that looked promising. I pulled it out of the carcass to put in the pile of meat. As I laid it down, I noticed it was squishy. I poked at it and saw it was full of shit -- it was the goat's bowels. I tossed it aside.
I took the plate of prepared goat meat down to the picnic table at the bottom of the hill. My friends were gathered around. Dad was approaching. Somehow, I was going to have to persuade him to pick up the booby trapped piece of chicken. Just in case, I had a hammer stashed nearby. I thought I'd be able to smash it into his head. I envisioned the side of his head caved in, blood gushing out. My heart was beating fast. Part of me felt hopeless, like he would always have the upper hand no matter what I tried. I grabbed my hammer and hoped for the best.
- Location:home
- Mood:
okay - Music:whatever the loud downstairs neighbors are playing
Ugh. Extremely frustrated with myself. Anxiety dreams galore. I don't know what the hell I was dreaming last night but I'm so glad Hosie woke me up. I was completely freaked out. Had to get up and stay awake for an hour before I felt ok about going back to bed. Dreams about being in charge of toddlers who are in danger -- one who was trying to run into a busy street, another on a plane about to crash. Also having to perform in concerts and plays without knowing what I was doing. Oy.
Why am I frustrated with myself? Partly because I'm afraid to fully commit to a decision I thought I had made a couple of months ago. Partly because I feel like I should be doing more to reach that other tree. I feel unfocused and scattered and unproductive. Also, my back hurts.
Just glanced over and saw a book I had fished off the bookshelf for Hosie last night -- "There is Nothing Wrong with You." I opened it and saw this sentence: "Whatever is struggling or discontent or suffering or afraid is that which needs to be accepted." Ok. Deep breath. I'll go see if I can find some acceptance for my frustration. To be continued ...
- Mood:
frustrated
----
So, I think this is about a certain situation I've been having a hard time letting go of. I need to let it compost and decay, to provide soil for new things to grow. I have this pattern where I make a big life decision, and then I get scared and start second guessing myself and cause myself a lot of angst and stress. I realized today that I've been doing that again. I've already made the decision, but I'm scared and fighting it, even while I'm moving forward with plans for the change. I'd like to stop fighting myself. It's ok to be scared, but I want to fully embrace my decision and move forward with a clear mind and heart. I want to fully trust myself. I do trust myself.
- Mood: calm
The other day I asked her what pace she runs. She said "oh, I run slow -- 11 minute miles." That got me thinking about language, and how we describe ourselves, and how that can perpetuate ideas we have about who we are and what we're capable of. Yes, 11 minute miles is not Olympic pace. It's slower than some people run. And it's faster than other people run. It made me wonder why she felt the need to qualify her statement instead of just saying "11 minute miles."
I was thinking about this in the context of how I describe my ability to do certain poses, and the relative flexibility of my body. My body is not naturally super flexible. I am less bendy than all of the other teachers at my studio. I'm less bendy than most yoga teachers I know. I've been working with accepting that and being content with the body I have, and trying to use neutral language to describe how my body moves. But I realized the way I think about my body is limiting.
This same friend was recently helping me with some backbends. I said "my back doesn't like to bend much." She said "Really? It looks like it's bending just fine to me." When she said that, I could feel my perception shifting. Just those simple words of hers made me think "Oh, maybe it's not so bad after all!" My spine didn't change, but my perception did. That shift in perception gave me the courage in class the next day to try a backbend I've been avoiding for awhile.
So, how can I think about my body (and my life) in a way that acknowledges the reality of the moment, and at the same time is expansive and unlimiting? When I'm teaching and demonstrating a pose that's challenging for me because of the tightness in my muscles, how do I describe what's going on? I've been saying things like "this pose is challenging for me because my hamstrings aren't super flexible." Which seems like a good neutral way to describe it, and is hopefully encouraging to students who experience tight hamstrings. But is there another way to talk about it that leaves more room for possibility? And ultimately, does it really matter how much my muscles stretch?
- Mood:
contemplative
Tonight in my Sanskrit class, as we chanted the declension of the feminine noun dharana (8 cases [nominative, accusative, instrumental, dative, ablative, genitive, locative, vocative] * 3 numbers for each case [singular, dual, plural] = 24 endings), I got all teary over the sheer beauty of the language.
Sometimes I really like the way my brain works.
- Mood:
enthralled
Dream the second: I was learning to be an air traffic controller. I was looking at the screen with all of the little bleeping radar points. It seemed fairly straightforward, but then I realized I didn't really understand how it worked.
I had a friend who was learning at the same time as me, which I was grateful for, because I felt like I could ask him basic questions that I wasn't comfortable asking my teachers. He explained that each air traffic control tower was responsible for just three planes coming in, but I didn't understand how they figured out who was responsible for which, or how you guided the planes in. He said "I think you just need to jump in there and try it out!" I told him I wasn't ready. I also told him that it was rather ironic that I was becoming an air traffic controller, given how terrified I am of plane crashes.
I was mulling this over when he said "I'll show you how to do it!" and went striding over to one of the control panels and practically shoved the person there out of the way. He took a hold of the steering wheel (yes, there was a steering wheel. And a joy stick) and confidently started giving directions to one of the incoming planes. The plane swooped down to land, but we could tell it was going to overshoot the runway. So while it was still about 50 feet in the air it aborted the landing and went swooping back up into the sky to turn around and try again. My friend was not so cocky now. He was a little tense. The plane banked to turn around. It looked like it was turning too sharply, and for a moment I was afraid it was going to spin out and crash, but it righted itself, headed back toward the runway, and make a perfect landing.
----------------------
Interesting that I had one dream that was a classic recurring nightmare (being threatened, not being able to move or yell for help), and one dream that feels like a breakthrough. I've had so many plane crash dreams since I was little. Having a dream where not only does the plane not crash, but I'm learning to be an air traffic controller, for godsake, seems significant. Having both dreams the same night was kind of trippy.
- Mood:
curious
- Mood: cheerful
- do my quarterly business taxes
- finish application for IMT advanced training in Nov
- figure out if/when I'm going to Mexico
- figure out how to get to Lake Bronson this weekend, at least for the day
- check out ticket prices to Israel. Buy tickets????
- make more Israel trip plans so I start to believe we're actually going
- go for a bike ride or work out at the gym
- watch Lost with Hosie
- stop feeling bad about myself
I am restless. I definitely need to get out of Seattle for awhile. Hosie's burner friends invited us to go camping up at Lake Bronson, and I was all "I'm not interested, you go if you feel like it." What's wrong with me? Hosie offered to go camping with me and I'm turning her down?? Sheesh. The lake sounds amazing and I want to go. Not sure about the camping part: (a) we'd need to arrange kitty care (b) we'd need to find camping gear (c) we probably wouldn't get much sleep. Hmmm. Those do not sound like insurmountable obstacles. Oh, and we need to find a car. So what. It sounds like fun. I want to go.
- Mood:
restless
I didn't teach yesterday because the studio is closed for the week. So I got up, took a yoga class at 8 Limbs, which was really fun, and hung out with a couple of friends. Then I came home and took a nap. And did some laundry and puttered around the house a bit. It was amazing to not have to do anything in particular. I had forgotten what that was like. You would think since I work part-time my schedule would be more relaxed, but nooooooo.
I need to find a way to have at least one real day off a week, or I'm going to go insane. A day when I'm not stressing about what to teach. I stress a lot about teaching. Yes, yoga is stressing me out. Hah. Usually once I'm teaching it's fun, but preparing for class can be challenging. Sigh. I'm getting much better about it, but I have a ways to go. More on this later.
Anyway .... time off = good. Dear V, please allow yourself more downtime, you need it. Love, me.
- Mood:
tired
I need to work out more. Or something. I was realizing today that one of the happiest weeks of my life was when I was on the bike tour in SW Utah. I was outside on my bike every day, biking through gorgeous red rock landscapes and mountains, breathing fresh air, working hard, eating a lot of great food. Long stretches of road where I was all alone, just me and my bike out in the wilds of Utah. Loved loved loved it. I was fucking ecstactic every day. I would see a hill and go YAY! HILL! and bike hard all the way up. I loved it so much I decided I had to do it all the time, so I got a job as a bike tour leader the next summer. But it wasn't the same at all. It was really hard work, and stressful, and I was driving the support van half the time so I didn't get to bike every day, and when I was biking I had to be looking out for the other bikers in case they needed something. Not the same at all.
Another time I remember feeling awesome in my body was when I was a teenager. I was playing some sort of tag game with my friends. I was in great shape from running track. Someone was chasing me up a steep hill, and I remember feeling so amazingly strong and powerful in my body. I felt like I was flying up the hill. I felt invincible.
Also, when Hosie and I were on vacation on the East Coast a couple of years ago we visited her friend Heather. The visit consisted of eating lots of great food and working out together at the gym every day. Best. Vacation. Ever.
I'm doing a fair amount of yoga, which feels good, but I need more. Or something different. More of being outside. I haven't gone hiking once this summer. Not having a car makes things like that more difficult. And I live so close to everything I don't bike very far anymore. And I haven't been to the gym in months. Mahala and I were working out pretty regularly there for awhile but we both got busy and that's fallen by the wayside. So I'm not in the best shape these days. My body feels a bit sluggy, and I get winded more easily than I'd like to.
Ok, it sounds like I need to find a way to be perpetually on vacation in beautiful places where I can bike and be outside and workout and eat good food all day. That shouldn't be a problem, right?
- Mood: restless
I used to only be able to access non-linear sorts of thinking when I was very tired and drifting off to sleep. Then my mind would veer off in all sorts of random and amusing directions. I'm much better at accessing that at other times now. Sometimes when I'm teaching a class I'll get the impulse to start saying something, and I won't know exactly what I'm about to say or where I'm going with it, but I'm learning to trust that impulse and just open my mouth and start talking. And mostly it works out. I think I'm learning to trust myself on a deeper level. Which is pretty cool.
- Mood:
creative
- Mood: annoyed
- Mood: grateful
- spending a lazy day curled up with hosie on our big orange couch
- working at the dining room table while hosie is ensconced on the couch, wrapped up in blankies, happily working on her crazy knitting projects and looking all cozy and domestic
- homemade banana bread fresh out of the oven
- hot coffee with half and half
- napping with snortling kitties piled on top of my chest
- rubbing raffi's big furry tummy
- our beautiful light airy colorful apartment
- meditating in our sweet little orange yoga studio
- opening my eyes after meditating in our sweet little yoga studio and seeing the stunning view of the trees in our yard framed against the downtown seattle skyline
- cards from hosie's mom
- the way lilith gets in my face and purrs and purrs and waves the claw of possession threateningly near my eyes when I'm not paying enough attention to her
- snuggling with hosie
- doing yoga with mahala
- being able to walk to work
- being able to work from home
- being able to walk to yoga
- being able to walk to trader joes and madison market
- the feel of the wind in my face when i ride my bike
- fresh steamed kale with balsamic vinegar and toasted sesame seeds
- the many amazing opportunities i have to learn and grow
- my awesome friends
- being married
- learning to be flexible
- having a good relationship with mary and jeannie
- being able to appreciate my mom for her good qualities and letting go of the rest
- breathing
- being alive
- Mood: grateful
Lilith is being extremely annoying. She's good at that. She rattles and rattles and tears paper bags in the most annoying fashion. Usually it's when she's hungry, but she has a full bowl of food so I don't know what's up with her.
I am having an attack of insecurity. I'm feeling incompetent. I want to teach more but (a) I'm feeling incompetent and (b) I'm already exhausted and overwhelmed with my various activities. And I haven't started my new consulting gig yet. Sam wanted me to work at least 10 hrs/week, doing dev and project management. I told her 5 hours/wk max, dev only because I suck at project management and also hate it. I'm not sure how I'm even going to do 5 hours. Also, it's on a platform I don't know yet so there'll be some ramp up time. Blah blah blah blah.
I think I've been on the edge of getting sick for weeks. I believe what put me over the edge was probably yesterday's pizza extravaganza, during which I consumed the following:
- 4 large pieces of pizza
- 1 large serving of homemade chocolate ice-cream
- 1 can of root beer
- a couple of bites of extremely rich chocolate cake
- Mood:
sick
***You are a Black Coffee***
At your best, you are: low maintenance, friendly, and adaptable
At your worst, you are: cheap and angsty
You drink coffee when: you can get your hands on it
Your caffeine addiction level: high
What Kind of Coffee Are You?
http://www.blogthings.com/whatkindofcoff
- Mood: amused
Profile
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif)
fatheadhippo- fatheadhippo
Syndicate
